Ms. Anat KAtz
Project AbstractThere is an element in writing a narrative that makes you feel vulnerable and exposed. (And I do feel some of this as I post this narrative.) Interestingly enough, I often felt like that in my classroom of 9 extremely rambunctious 9th grade boys. Mid-year I knew that there was not much more I could implore of them. Something would need to drastically change. I read numerous articles about mindfulness and took a 6 week online course. And while to me the idea seemed drastic, the transition to the classroom was very subtle, but the results were exactly what I was hoping for.
Full Text
“לא לזמזם” Transliterated ” Lo lezamzem”. I like the way it sounds. Say it, it’s almost an onomatopoeia. My mother-in-law, here and there, dispensed some valuable maxims, one liners. What she meant was don’t buzz in your children’s ears. Don’t talk so much, or all the time. Say what you have to say, and act. Move on.
Is it strange then that I think about my students sometimes in the same sphere as my own children? There are certain emotions I sometimes feel with my students as I do with my own children. Is it ok to admit that? That with all the warm and proud emotions I have towards them I also feel at times, frustration, exasperation and maybe even a little bit of hurt. The son of my mother-in-law (aka my spouse) will often daringly say “You thought it I said it.” Is this true? Are you teachers feeling this and not saying it? Okay, well… I am saying it.
Setting:
A small room with a door - this bodes well for a group of 9 boys who walked through the doors of this high school institution with backpacks filled with personal + group reputation. They want to hold on to it like security blankets, they wear this reputation as a shield that allows them to hide behind the process of maturity and individuality. Each one has cried to me separately of the “unfairness” of being part of this group yet, they will not stray very far from it. They don’t want to be released from the group leash as of yet. Nobody is really ready to be the leader of the pack.
9 boys. Never have I been in an enclosed room with nine 15 year old boys. You laugh. Maybe you think, I deserve it (I know you don’t really…), or it’s about time, you mother of the 3 girls who finally got her little prince! Well, here I am. No room to think or hear myself in the confines of these four walls. I feel like every period we spend together we are in the middle of 19 ping pong matches. Who thought so much could happen in an 05 room! I stand in the midst, and battle more gross jokes, ridiculous comments on each others mothers and brothers, playtime with the “old-school” phone on the wall, and even excretion can be a major topic of discussion. AND there is lots and lots of loud movement. Always lots of movement. And much of it feels very LOUD to me. While I am repeatedly shocked at what it means to be in an enclosed space with 9 boys; let me emphasize, how thankful I am for that oblong piece of wood (I think its wood...).
So that is our first semester:
We end first semester and in gruffy voices they mumble that they have learned more Hebrew than ever before. Are they kidding me? Seriously? You really mean that? Of course, I cannot ask them that. Now I know that this is only their very first semester in high school and that they are still a pretty immature bunch and so my assumption is that they are not sophisticated enough to try and butter me up before anecdotals are finalized. But I should not undermine them, they are sophisticated enough to know who I am and what will make me smile. They are speaking from the heart of their raucousness, and that makes me step back. And I understand that the feedback is lovely, but….
It does not carry me through on a daily basis and too often I leave the period with stitches in my gut. While I have sought advice externally, whether it be from colleagues or even conversations with my students, I am looking for myself in this process. I feel like I have lost my reins and even if I find them I don’t want to “hold’ them in the same manner for the rest of the semester, or possibly for the next 2 years. I don’t want to feel frustrated and I do not want them to feel frustrated. I don’t want to lecture and I don’t want to try to give motivational speeches. לא רוצה לזמזם. I want results. And I want control but I want them to feel like they are in control. So I ask myself what is this about? Is this even a possibility?
Yes, it is.
And it is about
reflectiveness
self-awareness
It’s actually about being
Mindful
Mindfulness, mindfulness, mindfulness… I hate buzzwords because they are often empty - זימזומים as I have mentioned at the very beginning. But I decided to unbuzz this word, see if it fits into my plight of
reflectiveness
self-awareness
and understand what it is really all about.
Reading and exploring this term, I took a meaningful step and tried out a 6 week online program. Mindfulschool.org
This is not easy stuff if you are willing to engage in it with honesty. It is easy if you are glossing over the articles and rolling your eyes at what might imply intensity of emotion and thought. It requires presence of mind, emotion, body, and truth. It teaches the importance of positivity that is enhanced through your breath and mind and bearing.
I realized that the change in affect and demeanor in this classroom would happen only with my lead. There was nothing left for me to ask of these nine. There were no words that were going to feel imperative to them, no explanations that would rattle them. So I had to lead them to a different space.
February 19 - My experiment had begun. No explanation. Just a plunge into experimentation. One minute that was all I was asking for.
Sit straight…
No heads on desks
Rest your shoulders
Now I want everyone to just close your eyes.
Breathe in and breathe out - just for one minute. That’s all. Just one minute.
Try to balance your inhale and exhale.
Breathe in for the same amount of time you breathe out
just 30 more seconds
And there is silence.
Some are not shutting their eyes. One refuses to keep his feet planted on the ground.
But they are breathing and they are here - NOT THERE
AND EVERYWHERE.
They are here, breathing, walking in on February 20th, and March 10th and 13th. And all the days before and afterward and in between. They know first minute - we breathe in, with eyes closed, being mindful of where we are.
And then….
There are days that are excellent and some that are less so. Not a panacea, but a very healthy solution this mindfulness stuff. I still have students that need to stretch out on the radiator as they learn their pitgam, or new vocabulary. Some still need to take a walk for a minute in the middle of class - but it is with mindfulness that I know, and that they know, that they need this. And it is with mindfulness that I can give them what they need and it is with mindfulness that they take this.
It is interesting that one minute of such practice can feel so emotionally charged. There were days when, before crossing that threshold, I felt like I just couldn’t do it. And I gave in to that moment, and I was the recipient of my weakness. Those days felt significantly more discordant, either from their side or mine. I remember one day, when I allowed my frustration to get the better of me. It left me feeling so angry with myself; that I lost control, that I lost my practice of mindfulness. It felt like I took steps back when we had all been progressing forward for so long.
But that is the beauty of mindfulness. You don’t lower your investment in learning or teaching grade just because it did not work out one day. You just pick up the very next opportunity you have.
The mindfulness course ended but I yearn for more. Six weeks hardly makes you an expert. Practicing awareness does. The exercises we can do with our students are multiple and easy to find, but it is our own practice and our modeling of awareness that will benefit the reciprocal relationship that exist in the classroom, in the SLC, and all around.
As narratives go, this one still has no ending. It spills over into the anecdotals that I write with less angst and with the awareness that we have all gained during the past few months. Maybe the next chapter will be written in just a few more months after we have all rejuvenated with a good dose of vitamin D.
Mindfulness is a process, it is exploration, it is a lot of trial and retrial. So is education and educating.
Is it strange then that I think about my students sometimes in the same sphere as my own children? There are certain emotions I sometimes feel with my students as I do with my own children. Is it ok to admit that? That with all the warm and proud emotions I have towards them I also feel at times, frustration, exasperation and maybe even a little bit of hurt. The son of my mother-in-law (aka my spouse) will often daringly say “You thought it I said it.” Is this true? Are you teachers feeling this and not saying it? Okay, well… I am saying it.
Setting:
A small room with a door - this bodes well for a group of 9 boys who walked through the doors of this high school institution with backpacks filled with personal + group reputation. They want to hold on to it like security blankets, they wear this reputation as a shield that allows them to hide behind the process of maturity and individuality. Each one has cried to me separately of the “unfairness” of being part of this group yet, they will not stray very far from it. They don’t want to be released from the group leash as of yet. Nobody is really ready to be the leader of the pack.
9 boys. Never have I been in an enclosed room with nine 15 year old boys. You laugh. Maybe you think, I deserve it (I know you don’t really…), or it’s about time, you mother of the 3 girls who finally got her little prince! Well, here I am. No room to think or hear myself in the confines of these four walls. I feel like every period we spend together we are in the middle of 19 ping pong matches. Who thought so much could happen in an 05 room! I stand in the midst, and battle more gross jokes, ridiculous comments on each others mothers and brothers, playtime with the “old-school” phone on the wall, and even excretion can be a major topic of discussion. AND there is lots and lots of loud movement. Always lots of movement. And much of it feels very LOUD to me. While I am repeatedly shocked at what it means to be in an enclosed space with 9 boys; let me emphasize, how thankful I am for that oblong piece of wood (I think its wood...).
So that is our first semester:
We end first semester and in gruffy voices they mumble that they have learned more Hebrew than ever before. Are they kidding me? Seriously? You really mean that? Of course, I cannot ask them that. Now I know that this is only their very first semester in high school and that they are still a pretty immature bunch and so my assumption is that they are not sophisticated enough to try and butter me up before anecdotals are finalized. But I should not undermine them, they are sophisticated enough to know who I am and what will make me smile. They are speaking from the heart of their raucousness, and that makes me step back. And I understand that the feedback is lovely, but….
It does not carry me through on a daily basis and too often I leave the period with stitches in my gut. While I have sought advice externally, whether it be from colleagues or even conversations with my students, I am looking for myself in this process. I feel like I have lost my reins and even if I find them I don’t want to “hold’ them in the same manner for the rest of the semester, or possibly for the next 2 years. I don’t want to feel frustrated and I do not want them to feel frustrated. I don’t want to lecture and I don’t want to try to give motivational speeches. לא רוצה לזמזם. I want results. And I want control but I want them to feel like they are in control. So I ask myself what is this about? Is this even a possibility?
Yes, it is.
And it is about
reflectiveness
self-awareness
It’s actually about being
Mindful
Mindfulness, mindfulness, mindfulness… I hate buzzwords because they are often empty - זימזומים as I have mentioned at the very beginning. But I decided to unbuzz this word, see if it fits into my plight of
reflectiveness
self-awareness
and understand what it is really all about.
Reading and exploring this term, I took a meaningful step and tried out a 6 week online program. Mindfulschool.org
This is not easy stuff if you are willing to engage in it with honesty. It is easy if you are glossing over the articles and rolling your eyes at what might imply intensity of emotion and thought. It requires presence of mind, emotion, body, and truth. It teaches the importance of positivity that is enhanced through your breath and mind and bearing.
I realized that the change in affect and demeanor in this classroom would happen only with my lead. There was nothing left for me to ask of these nine. There were no words that were going to feel imperative to them, no explanations that would rattle them. So I had to lead them to a different space.
February 19 - My experiment had begun. No explanation. Just a plunge into experimentation. One minute that was all I was asking for.
Sit straight…
No heads on desks
Rest your shoulders
Now I want everyone to just close your eyes.
Breathe in and breathe out - just for one minute. That’s all. Just one minute.
Try to balance your inhale and exhale.
Breathe in for the same amount of time you breathe out
just 30 more seconds
And there is silence.
Some are not shutting their eyes. One refuses to keep his feet planted on the ground.
But they are breathing and they are here - NOT THERE
AND EVERYWHERE.
They are here, breathing, walking in on February 20th, and March 10th and 13th. And all the days before and afterward and in between. They know first minute - we breathe in, with eyes closed, being mindful of where we are.
And then….
There are days that are excellent and some that are less so. Not a panacea, but a very healthy solution this mindfulness stuff. I still have students that need to stretch out on the radiator as they learn their pitgam, or new vocabulary. Some still need to take a walk for a minute in the middle of class - but it is with mindfulness that I know, and that they know, that they need this. And it is with mindfulness that I can give them what they need and it is with mindfulness that they take this.
It is interesting that one minute of such practice can feel so emotionally charged. There were days when, before crossing that threshold, I felt like I just couldn’t do it. And I gave in to that moment, and I was the recipient of my weakness. Those days felt significantly more discordant, either from their side or mine. I remember one day, when I allowed my frustration to get the better of me. It left me feeling so angry with myself; that I lost control, that I lost my practice of mindfulness. It felt like I took steps back when we had all been progressing forward for so long.
But that is the beauty of mindfulness. You don’t lower your investment in learning or teaching grade just because it did not work out one day. You just pick up the very next opportunity you have.
The mindfulness course ended but I yearn for more. Six weeks hardly makes you an expert. Practicing awareness does. The exercises we can do with our students are multiple and easy to find, but it is our own practice and our modeling of awareness that will benefit the reciprocal relationship that exist in the classroom, in the SLC, and all around.
As narratives go, this one still has no ending. It spills over into the anecdotals that I write with less angst and with the awareness that we have all gained during the past few months. Maybe the next chapter will be written in just a few more months after we have all rejuvenated with a good dose of vitamin D.
Mindfulness is a process, it is exploration, it is a lot of trial and retrial. So is education and educating.